reesesWeb

So, it's been a little while. I've finally moved back to SF, gotten settled. Apart from my car and all of my belongings not being here yet, everything's A-OK.

Being so close to downtown SF and Union Square, Kat and I wandered out today to do a little shopping. She had some things she needed, and I tagged along. My reward was a watch upgrade.

On the left, you see my previous daily-wearer, a Jaeger-LeCoultre Master Ultra Thin (it sounds like a condom!) -- on the right, my new watch. I figure, now that I'm into my 30s, I need a more serious, professional, cultured watch that reflects my status as an adult.

What better timepiece than the finely-crafted, swiss-made, skeletonised Swatch Automatic? It even has a hand that tells what second it is AND it tells the date. It's almost as if my old watch doesn't really care when it is -- it might as well say,"well, it's about noon or so, dunno what day." The Swatch means business, and tells me exactly what time it is!

Not only does it mean business, though -- it means safety. Using a bright shade of yellowish-green, very similar to a lot of safety equipment, this watch can easily keep the wearer out of a lot of dangerous situations, just like the vests worn by road-repair crews. Imagine a late night, when I'm walking home from work, wearing a dark grey suit. I would be very difficult to see, and would be susceptible to being run over by an inebriated bus driver -- or I could be saved, when he saw his headlights reflected by the bright beacon on my right wrist! What price, safety?

Obviously, larger watches imply adulthood. While I'm not as old as Sylvester Stallone or Hugh Grant (Panerai) or Arnold Schwarzenegger (Audemars Piguet Royal Oak), it's easy to see that I'm too old for my previous watch, which is quite tiny indeed at 34mm across, and even more diminutive when seen from the side, where it measures about 5.5mm thick. The new watch is a marked improvement.

More importantly, there are a few refinements in the 21-jewel Swatch movement (an ETA 2842, a famous movement also used by Omega, Oris, and Raymond Weil, among other adult watches that you can find in your local mall) that the 19-jewel (two less!) JLC calibre 849 shamefully lacks. And what is this "calibre" business? It sounds like a canadian hip-hop reference. "Yo, yo, I'm Calibre 849 and Imma gonna bustacap in yoazz, and then go wolf down some poutine wi' yo ol' lady, cuz I gots all the Canadian Tire Money in the worl', yo!"

As you can see, the Swatch is an automatic, meaning that it will save me a valuable sixty seconds every morning because I will no longer need to wind my watch! That may not sound like much, but that's five minutes a week, and 250 minutes a year. I could spend that minute listening to a Tony Robbins book-on-tape, and by the end of the year, I'd have Unlimited Ultimate Power and be an adult with whom one must reckon in the business world.

While not the same version of the ETA 2842 movement as in the earlier Swatch Automatics which boast even more jewels, it appears that Swatch has refined the movement to require two fewer jewels by removing the bidirectional winding mechanism. While more jewels are better in many cases, we all know that too many can be just that, and a sign of sloppy engineering besides. In addition, a bidirectional winder is obviously only of value to people who masturbate too much with their watch hand. It cheers me to see this nod to maturity, as this is obviously not a watch for teenagers.

Did I mention that Swatch is the largest watch company in the world? They also make Breguet, Blancpain, Glashutte Original, and the previously mentioned Omega, among others. Quite impressive indeed. The fact that they didn't think it important to buy Jaeger-LeCoultre should tell you something.

As you can see from this closeup, my older watch has a lot of "bright and shiny" meaningless swirls and polishing on the back, including little gold writing that brags about its silly features. It's embarrassing, like those fifteen year olds who tell everyone how cool and smart they are. Now that I'm grown up, doesn't that seem a little obvious? The Swatch recognises this, and leaves the metal pieces looking just like that -- metal.

As I've grown up, I've also come to realise that we all have a place in this world, and responsibilities due to that place. It's shameful to have harmless baby crocodiles sacrificed to supply me with watch straps, when the miracles of science can provide me with a synthetic alternative that hardly hurts at all to wear.

One of the other traits of the young, besides bragging, boasting, and showing off, is dishonesty. Because they have not learned about the above-mentioned responsibilities due to our place in society, they don't understand the consequences of undermining society by breaking laws, including those related to theft. The large size of the case of the Swatch makes it difficult to smuggle out of the store by hiding it under a child-sized watch, as you can see here.

I would give more details about the older watch, but as I am closer to death, my time is becoming increasingly important to me. Other people (who must be youngsters in their early 20s, as they really like that watch) have written much more on it, and I would recommend their articles to you if you have to kill a few minutes, perhaps because you're in the waiting room at your urologist's office.

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