reesesWeb

A new study finds people who attend religious services weekly live longer. Specifically, the research looked at how many years are added to life expectancy based on:

• Regular physical exercise: 3.0-to-5.1 years
• Proven therapeutic regimens: 2.1-to-3.7 years
• Regular religious attendance: 1.8-to-3.1 years

I wonder how much I could get for writing a paper that resolved item the third:

If you go to a christian church, that usually involves waking up early on a Sunday morning. If you wake up early on Sunday mornings after lots of Saturday night booze and drugfests, you're going to be going to church hungover and miserable, the way God wants you. So you're going to reduce the druggin' and the boozin' on Saturday nights.

1. If you stop drinking, and stop doing drugs, you're going to live longer, on average, if for no other reason than you won't die of an overdose.
2. If you're not out driving drunk or high on Saturday night, you're not going to wrap your Enzo around a pole.
3. If you're not out driving at 3am Saturday night, some drunk bastard in an Enzo isn't going to wrap his car around you.

Oh, and when you're in church, that's two or three hours you're not picking up HIV-infected prostitutes, as a friend of mine just pointed out.

Now, where's my grant?

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