reesesWeb

So I was wrong about the "halfway point" bit. It turns out that it's a lot closer to the end-point for Pix.

Based on what the neurologist and oncologist say, I'll probably fly back to DC to put Pixel to sleep on Wednesday.

This is the worst day ever. I started out this morning thinking she probably had a torn muscle or possibly some infection that could be treated by an uncomfortable but surpassable series of antibiotics, and would probably be at home when I got home Thursday night, ready for love. Now, I just hope she can hold out long enough for me to fly home early tomorrow so I can say good-bye.

I won't say anything like "she's my favorite", because I have two other cats I love with all my heart, but she's definitely the one I'm most protective of, and I can't do anything to protect her from this.

The thing that makes it so difficult is that she does not appear to be in any particular pain at this point. She's lucid and affectionate, and purrs like mad when she sees one of us. Apart from the partial paralysis of her back legs, her mood is typical. She's not confused or agitated.

Because she seems so clearheaded and so much like herself, it feels like murder to have her put to sleep. I'm projecting onto her, of course, and I'm aware of that, but it seems cruel to kill her while she's unaware of what is around the corner for her, just so she doesn't have to suffer. I argue with myself that maybe she has a few more pain-free days, and who am I to steal those from her? It's possible that it's lymphoma, and a small percentage of cats go into a complete remission after chemotherapy, and who am I to be too cowardly to take that chance?

I hate that people execute animals for what feel to be specious reasons. I hate that people shoot horses with broken legs, and I hate the idea that I might be arbitrary in meting out death for Pixel. I don't feel as if I even know everything I could do, let alone, actually have done everything possible to fix her.

I want to believe in mutable disasters. Anything that can happen can be undone, and the barrier for a pet between mutable and immutable seems so low. Part of what pisses me off is that something that should be fixable comes on so suddenly and with such finality, and there's no one I can argue with, threaten, or bribe to make it go away, and rewind things back to the status quo.

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