reesesWeb

I'm back in DC, and it's 30F. +30F, most importantly, and it's still colder than a witch's tit in a cast iron bra after freezing the balls off a brass monkey.

And yet, and yet, it's FIFTY DEGREES FAHRENHEIT WARMER THAN IT WAS WHEN I GOT UP THIS MORNING.

Fifty degrees. Let's think about that for a second.

If it's, say, +50F out, it feels COMPLETELY different than +100F. +50F is pleasant for jogging or being very active, but you might want a light jacket. +100F is hot, and you need to be careful working out, or if you're old, and you're going to think about stripping down to the loose linen, or even tshirt and shorts, if that's your bag. Massive difference, abundantly obvious to the most temperature-insensitive person.

By the same token, the difference between +30F and +80F is also readily apparent. +30F, you have the heavy coat on, you're scraping the windshield some mornings, and you might have snow on the ground. +80F, you're barbecuing in the backyard, and you might even have shorts on. HUGE difference.

Now, +30F is stupid cold. As mentioned, you have the heavy coat on. You have the gloves on. You're wrapped up in a scarf, and you'd like to wear a knit cap if it didn't mess up your hair. There's snow on the ground from Monday, and it hasn't melted in four days. Heck, sitting by the window, inside a heated room, you're chilly from the heat transfer out the double-pane glass.

But -20F, fifty degrees colder (FIFTY!) isn't that readily apparent. It's just faster at making you cold, but it's not going to make you colder. (until well after it kills you) You walk outside, and your hands hurt in fifteen seconds instead of two minutes, and your nostrils freeze on the inside, and the car idles really rough, and the rear defroster never quite clears up the rear window, and the fabric seats are crisp, but cold is cold is cold. It's not as if adding fifty degrees to -20F is going to make it pleasant.

Let's think about this from the other end of the human comfort zone. Let's say 90F is where it starts getting hot. You might say 100F, and that's probably where I'd think about hot in a dry climate, but this is DC, which is like the inside of your sweaty gym shorts, the ones you wash about once a week, but you forgot to take them home last week, so you're already doubling up in moisture and bacteria. DC is like that, but like wearing those shorts that someone else sweated up for you. So, I'll say 90F.

What's 90 + 50? 140.

Can you even imagine 140F? That's like medium rare. Bacteria start dying at that temperature! Has it ever gotten that hot outside that hot box from Cool Hand Luke? That's how hot it has to get before you really can't discern a difference between "too hot" and "way too hot".

Do you see millions upon millions of people living in a place where it gets to be 140F? 150F? 160F?

No, you don't. Yet, you (or at least, I) see people living in a place where it hits -20F, which is just as cold as 160F is hot. People joke about getting frostbite, and even act surprised when they find someone who hasn't had it.

Why do I go there, when God is clearly telling me,"Stay the hell away from here!" I don't think my balls have been outside my body in the past week, and they're definitely not going to brave the cold any time soon, after the scaring I gave them last night.

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