reesesWeb

I'm a firm believer in customer service. That's why I pander to Zamf, who likes pictures of naked bronze chicks on my blog. That picture has nothing to do with my blog, but it has everything to do with Zamf. I am customer-focused. What I want does not matter -- it's all about the customer.

I've received a few emails of the following sort in the past. I'm including it not to ridicule this particular person, who is probably on day three of her first job out of school. I'm doing it to ridicule the notion that what you, as a vendor of any sort, matters at all to the customer, if it does not have a direct benefit to that customer.

  From:   bryanling@intelligentnutrients.com
  Subject: A Survey from Intelligent Nutrients
  Date: October 26, 2005 10:57:01 AM EDT
  To:   sexxymofo@ASTROGOTH.COM
  Reply-To:   bryanling@intelligentnutrients.com

  I would like to know your opinions by getting your answers to this survey. Thank you in advance
  foryour survey participation and feedback. Please click the link below to begin the survey.

  http://linketylinklinklink

I'm a mild mannered guy, and most of what I could say, I said in my response.

  From:   sexxymofo@astrogoth.com
  Subject: Re: A Survey from Intelligent Nutrients
  Date: October 26, 2005 11:48:32 AM EDT
  To:   bryanling@intelligentnutrients.com

  Hi,

  This would not be the best way to phrase a request for my time.  Perhaps thinking
  more about customers, and customer service, will help you rephrase requests such
  as this in the future.  Remember, you are asking for something of value (a person's
  time and thought) and not offering something in return, even if that is something
  as shallow as flattery.  There is no incentive for a reader to click on the link you
  have provided.  I don't know you, and I don't know how you knowing my opinions
  will help you improve my options at IN, based on this email.

  I wish you the best of luck and I hope you have a great day.

  -a.

  ps., Yes, I know this email probably took longer to write than the survey would
  have taken.  I imagine, however, that I am speaking for a large number of people
  who don't click on the survey.  My good deed for the day is telling you why they
  have failed to do so.

While the use of postscripts in emails always strikes me as a painful affectation, please forgive my use thereof in this case. Regardless, my point should be clear: She did not say,"Wow, we could really make your shopping experience a lot better if you answered a brief survey about what your interests are! We'd love to hear from you, because you drive us and are the reason for our success!" They don't need tripe like "Free iPod!" or any of that nonsense, just an exchange of value. Flattery and validation are value, and believe me, they go a long way. Just tell me that I'm a handsome and insightful devil the next time you need to borrow a fiver, and you're well on your way to being a guy with a pint of Guinness in your hand.

What happened right after this?

  From:   bryanling@intelligentnutrients.com
  Subject: A Survey from Intelligent Nutrients
  Date: October 26, 2005 1:26:45 PM EDT
  To:   sexxymofo@ASTROGOTH.COM
  Reply-To:   bryanling@intelligentnutrients.com

  I would like to know your opinions by getting your answers to this survey. Thank you in advance
  foryour survey participation and feedback. Please click the link below to begin the survey.

  http://linketylinklinklink

Mmm...yeah. Someone's learning their first bulk-email program today. To her credit, the secret code that tied my email address to my survey results was different on each email. It was probably an honest mistake.

However, she soon enough followed up my response:

  From:   bryanling@intelligentnutrients.com
  Subject: RE: A Survey from Intelligent Nutrients
  Date: October 26, 2005 5:24:14 PM EDT
  To:   sexxymofo@astrogoth.com

  Thank you for your feedback.  We do appreciate it,

  Kind Regards,
  Brigid Ryan-Ling

I got a "Kind Regards, my name here", which is nice, but, umm, you missed the point. I know you're from Minneapolis, but you had six hours to read and comprehend the email. I'm guessing that wading through the bounces took most of her day.

Anyway, this was a pretty pointless post, other than to remind you never to call your clients or coworkers "idiots", and to give Zamf more bronzy booty.

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